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How to spot a premiere partner

August 9th, 2006

Dr Petra

Ever wondered how to tell if your partner was right for you? Maybe you’d consulted your horoscopes, checked out your likes and dislikes, or asked your friends or family to decide.

Whatever way you’ve used to work out if you’d met Mr or Ms Right you’ve probably been doing it wrong. Startling new research out today reveals there’s only one way to be sure a person is your ideal partner.

According to a page spread in the Metro today you should ‘forget psychometric tests, speed dating or astrology. The best barometer to measure how well your relationship will survive could be the football team your partner supports’. This is according to a well-known professor of organisational psychology.

The dazzling research identifies four types of supporter that you can use as a diagnostic on your partner.

The categories are:

Glory hunters
These types support big teams like Man U, Real Madrid and Bayern Munich, and they want to be ‘associated with glamour and success’ desiring a ‘trophy specimen of the opposite sex’. A relationship with a glory hunter is ‘about proving carnal prowess. Bonding might be lacking’, and the relationship will only last ‘until the next thing comes along’. Apparently you can spot these types when they turn up to big games.

Uppers and downers

This group support teams like Man City, Southampton and West Ham. They also support their partners and are givers, not takers. ‘The more time they spend with their partners the more sexually thrilling it becomes’, and the research also suggested ‘they also like to see themselves as rescuers, turning losers into something more prosperous’ – so they’re with someone who’s ‘almost up there but not quite’. The relationship will last for the long term (particularly if you’ve got something to struggle with), and you can spot them by ‘the bigger the fight the stronger they’ll be’ – not sure what that means but that’s what this research says so it must be true.

Rags, no riches

These supporters favour teams like Reading, Wigan and Sunderland. ‘It’s a big fish in a small pond mentality’ said the professor who led this research – although what that means in picking a partner is anyone’s guess. This kind of relationship can work if you’ve got a network of people around you, although be warned ‘if glory comes be careful. When football teams gain more success, there’s always a fear the club might change. Likewise, similar fears in a partner’s success could cause cold feet’. Such a relationship could last but only it seems if there are no major relationship changes, and you can spot these types by their valuing their local area.

Low-league lovers

These are supporters of teams of division one or lower. Although don’t worry ‘low league doesn’t reflect low status. Status just isn’t important in a partner’. Apparently if your partner’s in this category they’ll ‘go after the next-door type’ where ‘intimacy and camaraderie are the key. And a sense of humour takes the pressure of the sex’. These types are most likely to stick to first loves and you can spot them by looking at their t-shirt.

Hmmmm. Not exactly the best diagnostic I’ve ever seen. Aside from it not being based on any evidence whatsoever, the main problem with this ‘research’ is it doesn’t actually flatter anyone. Who’s going to want to be in a relationship with any of these kinds of people? Particularly since much of the descriptions of them make no sense at all.

Why would a senior professor in an established position want to put their name to such drivel? Well two words ‘The Premiership’. It begins this Saturday and clearly someone had the bright idea to create a PR splash in advance where they obviously thought creating some random relationship categories might guarantee a bit of promotion for the premiership – not that we really needed it.

So presumably the professor was paid to create these relationship categories (or they were created by the PR company), which in turn got some free advertising in the press for the premiership.

It doesn’t matter to some newspapers whether ‘research’ sent to them is nonsense. So long as they can fit a nice picture and some personality diagnostics to it, they’ll run it. Sadly it seems that for many established academics they also don’t care about fronting research that’s meaningless.

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