Over the years I’ve run countless training and educational sessions for members of the public, therapists, teachers, parents, healthcare professionals and teens. And from those sessions I’ve managed to compile a list of the many, many ways people find to ensure they have really bad sex.
Here’s a selection of the best of the worst. Some are sad, some are funny, all happen a lot more often than you’d expect.
So, here’s how to stuff your sex life
Don’t bother finding out how your body works
Don’t practice safer sex
Don’t worry about contraception, trust to luck instead
Don’t try and discover what turns your partner on
Don’t let your partner show you what excites them
Don’t bother communicating – guess what your partner wants and only drop hints about your needs
Keep your partner guessing about whether they’ve turned you on
Don’t let your partner keep some responsibility for their orgasm – you should take over and mess it up
Don’t bother looking at your partner’s facial reactions or listening to them, keep going with whatever it is you’re doing – you know you’re right!
Assume the same sexual techniques work with everyone you meet
Don’t bother widening your sexual repertoire
Get into a sexual habit and never deviate from it
Act insulted if your partner suggests any new sexual ideas
Don’t bother trying new things like sex toys/lingerie/positions/trying out sex tips – you know its wrong/bad/or a waste of time
Criticise your partner’s body or sexual technique – if possible use as many abusive or negative phrases to ram your point home.
Compare your partner’s body or technique unfavourably with an ex-partner, or person you’d like to sleep with (e.g. so-and-so was better endowed, more attractive, more adventurous)
Withhold affection to get sex
Only show affection when you want sex
Be rough or clumsy – treat nipples like radio tuning buttons and penises like gear leavers
Be overly gentle – barely touch your partner or hold them in a weak or half-hearted embrace
Regard lubricant as a sign you or your partner is in some way inadequate and refuse to use it
Consider the sort of people who use lubricant, erotica, or sex toys to be in some way deficient in the sex department – after all; surely a good lover doesn’t have to rely on other devices?
Believe your genitals are the only things that can turn your partner on
Think if you bang away long enough something will happen
Think if you lie there long enough your partner will be satisfied eventually
Don’t give your partner any feedback, whether you’re enjoying sex or not
Believe that men (gay or straight) only need to put their penis in a hole for them to become aroused – you need do nothing more once they’re inside you
Let your partner do all the work
Never make the first move – always leave it up to your partner
Believe deep down that women who want sex are really sluts
Don’t bother to find out if your partner wants your fantasies to stay just as fantasies. Use their mention of a threesome as a green light, and set one up immediately
Assume when a partner says ‘no’, what they really mean is ‘yes’
Justify cheating by doing everything bar having penetrative sex
Believe sex only belongs in the bedroom, before sleep
Make out your partner is a prude if they don’t want to go along with any of your suggestions
Imply you’ll leave your partner for someone else if they won’t do what you want
Think good sex equals lots of sex, and forego quality for quantity
Make your partner do things they don’t want to do for fear of losing you
Convince yourself your partner secretly wants to do whatever it is they say they’re not interested in. Pile on the pressure until they cave in
Believe ‘proper sex’ equals penetrative sex
See orgasm as the end goal of every sexual encounter you have
Consider orgasm to be that thing you achieve rather than experience
Believe the sex life you have at the start of a new relationship should be the blueprint for the rest of your sex life
And I’m still adding to the bad sex list. If you’ve any more suggestions to add, let me know and I’ll update this list.
How to stuff your sex life
Over the years I’ve run countless training and educational sessions for members of the public, therapists, teachers, parents, healthcare professionals and teens. And from those sessions I’ve managed to compile a list of the many, many ways people find to ensure they have really bad sex.
Here’s a selection of the best of the worst. Some are sad, some are funny, all happen a lot more often than you’d expect.
So, here’s how to stuff your sex life
Don’t bother finding out how your body works
Don’t practice safer sex
Don’t worry about contraception, trust to luck instead
Don’t try and discover what turns your partner on
Don’t let your partner show you what excites them
Don’t bother communicating – guess what your partner wants and only drop hints about your needs
Keep your partner guessing about whether they’ve turned you on
Don’t let your partner keep some responsibility for their orgasm – you should take over and mess it up
Don’t bother looking at your partner’s facial reactions or listening to them, keep going with whatever it is you’re doing – you know you’re right!
Assume the same sexual techniques work with everyone you meet
Don’t bother widening your sexual repertoire
Get into a sexual habit and never deviate from it
Act insulted if your partner suggests any new sexual ideas
Don’t bother trying new things like sex toys/lingerie/positions/trying out sex tips – you know its wrong/bad/or a waste of time
Criticise your partner’s body or sexual technique – if possible use as many abusive or negative phrases to ram your point home.
Compare your partner’s body or technique unfavourably with an ex-partner, or person you’d like to sleep with (e.g. so-and-so was better endowed, more attractive, more adventurous)
Withhold affection to get sex
Only show affection when you want sex
Be rough or clumsy – treat nipples like radio tuning buttons and penises like gear leavers
Be overly gentle – barely touch your partner or hold them in a weak or half-hearted embrace
Regard lubricant as a sign you or your partner is in some way inadequate and refuse to use it
Consider the sort of people who use lubricant, erotica, or sex toys to be in some way deficient in the sex department – after all; surely a good lover doesn’t have to rely on other devices?
Believe your genitals are the only things that can turn your partner on
Think if you bang away long enough something will happen
Think if you lie there long enough your partner will be satisfied eventually
Don’t give your partner any feedback, whether you’re enjoying sex or not
Believe that men (gay or straight) only need to put their penis in a hole for them to become aroused – you need do nothing more once they’re inside you
Let your partner do all the work
Never make the first move – always leave it up to your partner
Believe deep down that women who want sex are really sluts
Don’t bother to find out if your partner wants your fantasies to stay just as fantasies. Use their mention of a threesome as a green light, and set one up immediately
Assume when a partner says ‘no’, what they really mean is ‘yes’
Justify cheating by doing everything bar having penetrative sex
Believe sex only belongs in the bedroom, before sleep
Make out your partner is a prude if they don’t want to go along with any of your suggestions
Imply you’ll leave your partner for someone else if they won’t do what you want
Think good sex equals lots of sex, and forego quality for quantity
Make your partner do things they don’t want to do for fear of losing you
Convince yourself your partner secretly wants to do whatever it is they say they’re not interested in. Pile on the pressure until they cave in
Believe ‘proper sex’ equals penetrative sex
See orgasm as the end goal of every sexual encounter you have
Consider orgasm to be that thing you achieve rather than experience
Believe the sex life you have at the start of a new relationship should be the blueprint for the rest of your sex life
And I’m still adding to the bad sex list. If you’ve any more suggestions to add, let me know and I’ll update this list.
How to stuff your sex life