Last Wednesday as part of the British Science Festival we put theory into action with a Science of Pulling evening where we heard about the evidence base around dating and relationships and applied this knowledge at the festival’s first speed dating event.

The event was sold out and fortunately all those who attended were willing to have fun, ask questions, share stories and most importantly speed date at the newly refurbished MAC.

For those of you who weren’t able to make it (and in the tradition of good science) here’s a report on what we did, what we discovered, and what we’ve still left to learn.

How do we study dating?
If you ask people how they think scientists study dating they usually respond with a joke answer – ‘they go on lots of dates!’. This isn’t true but would make research a lot more fun. Other ideas are observational research (scientists prowl around public spaces watching dates in progress), or vaguely ‘the internet’.

In fact most of our dating research is based around surveys, asking people to keep diaries, or analysing self help advice for singles. There is data from internet dating companies but this is often not easily accessible for external researchers (more on this later). We also often ask people to talk about their dating experiences through qualitative interviews – which can lead to wonderful narratives like this one:

What do we know about the ‘science’ of dating?
Social science does have a lot to teach us about relationships and dating, although it’s often not in quite the way the media or self help industry suggests. Indeed there’s only a limited amount of research specifically assessing dating behaviours. However, there is more useful information to be gleaned from anthropology, history, cultural studies and sociology around attraction, dating and mating rituals, the role of matchmakers and the concept of desire. Rather than there being a ‘science’ of dating it’s more a case of synthesising research and using particular methods to understand our relationship behaviours.

It is from these areas we learn that dating advice shifts across time and culture, that matchmakers have played different roles around connecting couples, that attraction differs cross culturally. So that in some parts of the world love at first sight and individual decisions in picking a partner are seen as ‘natural’, while in others the idea of an arranged marriage that fits within a wider family structure and where love or companionship may build over time is viewed as the norm. (Interestingly you can see both models tested out here).

What we have learned from social research on dating is helpful – not least because it often contradicts what single people are anxious about. Westerners can expect to spend 1/3 to 1/2 of their life single or looking for a relationship (see data from here and discussed more here). The average age for heterosexual marriage (in UK) is 34 for men and 29 for women (this report also highlights how many people are single for larger parts of their life than in the past). If you try internet dating you’ve a 1:10 chance of getting a date and going out with them more than once a month if use internet dating. You’re also equally likely to end up in a happy long term relationship regardless of whether it started as a one night stand or emerged through a period of dating.

This kind of data is very helpful when talking to people who are single as very often they feel stigmatised for ‘being alone’, worry they won’t ever meet someone, or are under pressure from friends or family members to ‘find someone’. Knowing it’s actually pretty normal to be single or dating, that marriage is happening at a later age than in the past and that it’s possible to ‘settle down’ at any age can be useful ammunition when faced with pressure to couple up. Moreover learning that many relationship rules we absorb are culturally constructed (for example that you shouldn’t sleep with someone on a first date) can liberate people, enabling them to realise they can shape a dating pathway to suit their needs. Unlike much self help advice on dating this research doesn’t tell people there’s a way they ought to behave, instead it sets out there’s a range of behaviours when it comes to dating, relationships and for singles.

Does ‘the one’ exist?
Telling people about dating behaviour is only part of tackling this topic however. Most people have their own questions about dating and science. And the one I’m most commonly asked is ‘does ‘the one’ exist?’. The answer is statistically, no. Given how many people there will be in your town, region, country or the world there will be hundreds or thousands of people who potentially could be a potentially suitable ‘match’ for you. The concept of ‘one’ person is very much tied within romantic ideals. While we know we’re attracted to someone very quickly, knowing if they’re ‘right’ within a long term relationship is often only discovered once a relationship is firmly established. At which point it’s pretty easy to look back retrospectively and describe someone as ‘the one’ or say you always knew they were right for you.

Indeed searching for ‘the one’ or a ‘perfect partner’ may not be a useful approach in dating. It can result in you being so anxious about whether someone fits a particular set of predetermined criteria you’ve created you fail to spot if you’re enjoying being with them in the present.

What about dating websites – they’ve got loads of data surely?
It’s true dating websites do have lots of information about how couples meet, connect and possibly stay together. The data websites collect varies depending on their business model. Some go for psychometric methods of dating, others for more qualitative approaches, others a mix of these (and each site will claim their approach is ‘better’ and more likely to get you the perfect partner). Some charge for ‘enhanced services’ and it seems that paying for dating sites does increase your chance of meeting someone and going on a date – most likely because you expect a return after a financial outlay.

Sites like OK Cupid have particularly made a promotional feature over the data they collect on clients with OK Trends Dating Research. While Chemistry.com employs scientist Helen Fisher to produce their profiling procedures and dating analytics. The use of psychologists, social scientists and mathematicians within dating sites is standard for both the practical aspects of matching and the promotional angle of seeming more ‘scientific’ (and therefore more likely to get you a date).

Dating sites undoubtedly contain a rich source of data on our modern relationship lives but unfortunately for social research they are usually closed to external researchers. Because they operate on a business model their analytics are used to promote their products and compete with other similar sites. Making it very difficult to access data, compare different websites, or analyse independently.

This has raised some ethical concerns among relationships researchers who feel it data should be made more accessible, and do not wish to have to be tied into a brand within a commercial contract in order to access dating information. Indeed some psychologists associated with such sites have begun speaking out against them for this reason (and the fact they may not be as effective as they claim). For example psychologist Mark Thompson (formerly of Match.com) recently claimed the sites ought to come with a ‘results are not typical’ disclaimer to indicate the chance of meeting, dating and forming a relationship with someone you meet via a website is unusual. [It’s worth noting Thompson has his own dating advice manual to promote so there could be a slight conflict of interest in his criticism of dating sites, although I happen to agree with many of the conclusions he draws].

Despite the limits to online dating there is no reason to dismiss it so long as one approaches it realistically. Indeed it can be used alongside other means of dating, and has certainly undergone a major cultural reappraisal in the past decade. Shifting from a furtive activity most were ashamed of to a standard approach to meeting a partner for many.

As a note of caution those who go for Internet dating seem to have an increased risk of getting an STI (particularly in the case of gay men). This has been explained as partly due to the ease of picking someone up, or equally that developing a relationship online can lead to people feeling already connected and that they know someone well so they do not make the connection condoms are needed. The take home message is however we are dating it’s always a good idea to have condoms with you and keep them at home so you are prepared if you do get lucky.

‘Scientific’ dating advice – do any of these work?
We often see dating advice given in self help books and relationships features in magazines, but do any of the following tips have any basis in science?

“Be yourself”
This message is often presented as a ‘dating fact’ yet is hard to track down with any origins in research. Indeed it only works if you feel confident and like yourself – or like the person you are when you are attempting to meet and date other people. A more accurate message may be ‘be comfortable with yourself before you begin dating’. It’s worth being very sceptical of dating advice that simply tells you to ‘be yourself’ as it often is not based on any sound science and is overly simplistic, telling you what to do but not how to do it. (For fun you could run an n of 1 trial and go on dates as you and on dates as an alter ego and see who has the most success)

Self affirmations
Repeating messages about how wonderful you are is often recommended to boost self confidence and assumed to work to get you onto the dating scene as a confident person. However scientists disagree over whether (and how) this approach works. Critics of self affirmation, see them as frequently used by people with low self esteem who are trapped by their lack of confidence and cannot believe the affirmations they are repeating. Others argue they can work if used realistically and as a means of boosting confidence – or if requested as genuine feedback from friends or family.

Internet dating – can work but not if you expect to find ‘the one’ (see above). It can help you build confidence, practice talking to people and get used to meeting, chatting and being rejected.

Getting used to being let down – based on behavioural method of ‘exposure therapy’ or ‘flooding’ approach the idea you expose yourself to rejection is often suggested by self help gurus (although whether they actually know what their advice is based on remains questionable). In theory it can work if done appropriately. If you put a lot of emphasis on being accepted and are fearful if one person rejects you that it’s a sign you’re unlovable then facing rejection over and over can prove to you it’s something you can cope with. The theory is you can then get out and meet more people because the fear of rejection diminishes. Unfortunately if you are struggling with low self esteem and don’t tackle that aspect of your life it’s likely this dramatic approach could do more harm. So it may be worth doing your dating homework and even seeking professional support before going out and dating if being rejected is something you cannot currently cope with.

Widen your friendship group – this one does seem to make sense. The more people you mix and socialise with the more chances you have to meet and get to know different people which in turn can build your confidence and allow you to enjoy socialising. It won’t work if your entire motivation is based on finding ‘the one’ and if you only widen your circle each time you feel rejected or a date doesn’t work. [Although not specifically about this topic Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler’s book ‘Connected: the surprising power of social networks' has some fascinating insights into how we interact in real life and online]

Confidence/assertiveness courses – these can work, particularly if you are struggling with self esteem issues. However what we don’t know is whether it’s the action of attending a course, setting aside time to do it and paying for a course that makes a difference – or the contents of the course itself. We also don’t know whether simply reading a self help book could be enough. More research is needed to identify how confidence courses compare with other forms of dating advice.

Dating agencies/singles nights/speed dating – do seem to work but (as mentioned above) is unclear exactly how since independent evaluation and long term follow up pretty much impossible with commercial enterprises.

Check/change your appearance – the idea that you get more people interested in you if you have a ‘makeover’ or revamp your wardrobe is pretty core to a lot of advice for would be daters. Intuitively it makes sense that checking your appearance, personal hygiene and looking like you’ve made an effort when meeting other people is important. However, this can often be misinterpreted by daters (particularly those on a low income) that you have to have a budget to buy a new wardrobe before you can even enter the dating scene. Certainly my experience of doing dating classes with mental health service users indicates the fear of not ‘looking right’ or not having enough money to buy a new wardrobe (or pay for dates) is a major barrier in considering dating others.

The take home message here is a lot of advice is given about how to date, presented as ‘fact’ but often with little or no basis in science. It’s particularly telling how much dating information is presented as being for everyone and yet tends to really be speaking for younger, affluent, heterosexual and able bodied audiences. This is evidently a major barrier for many people seeking dating advice who don’t fit into this narrow category. [It’s also a clue that much advice presented as ‘factual’ is nothing but since it excludes more people than it talks about]

A way around all this comes in the form of the self help industry, which is an area that relies heavily on the language of science, but research indicates is often not scientific at all.

Debunking the Self Help Industry
The self help industry has a lot to say about dating and relationships. Indeed there are numerous books, franchises, workshops and even television series that all proclaim to have the key to our dating problems. They utilise concepts like Neuro Linguistic Programming (which doesn’t have a proven evidence base), evolutionary theory, Social Psychology, behaviourism, and body language, all of which are described as ‘factual’ or ‘scientific’. Tellingly self help books rarely reference the science they’re supposedly based on and in most cases ‘evidence’ appears to be drawn from women’s magazine features, google searches, people’s opinions and possible the abstracts of research articles. If research is consulted it appears not to be synthesised or critically appraised, but picked to stack up a particular angle.

The format for much self help in dating is for an ‘expert’ to tell you their strategy to find love. Written from a first person perspective it’s usually a tale of adversity, discussing how they struggled with singledom until they hit upon their particular dating strategy. Their audience is informed they too can find love/get sex if they follow their guidance – and pay for their instruction (this is a commercial enterprise after all).

The majority of said guides are heteronormative and highly gendered. So women are instructed to play hard to get, to avoid contact and to make a man chase them. Men are encouraged to take on the role of alpha male, to be predatory and to pursue women. They focus more on reading signals, body language and guesswork rather than straightforward communication advice. So they don’t work for people who can’t perform or read ‘body language’ (see p.10 of Inside magazine for review of standard dating tips had to be rethought when working with men who are neuro diverse and/or wheelchair users).

Guides for women and (straight) couples have been found to be highly problematic with guides shown to maintain gender inequality and reduce communication while blaming people for being in abusive relationships if they don’t follow dating advice. Leading some academics (myself included) to call them ‘self harm’ books. Meanwhile the ‘pick up artist’ movement (aimed at heterosexual men) is growing and yet has not been evaluated nor shown to work effectively. The same applies for the growing number of ‘dating coaches’ who advise on relationships. Some charging thousands of pounds for therapies or approaches that have not been proven effective and are often based on unsound science (such as the identification of ‘dating toxins’).

So is all dating advice wrong then? Putting theory to practice
Analysis of self help advice on dating allows us to see problems within the approach, but with the absence of independent analysis of how dating coaches and pick up artists work – and a long term follow up of their clients – it’s impossible to conclude all approaches are ineffective. Indeed it’s in the interests of individuals and organisations offering dating advice/matchmaking services to be reviewed to indicate if they are providing a useful service. (Although of course with this comes the risk they may be found ineffective which is why probably most commercial operators avoid this).

In the absence of such research you can utilise research skills by asking critical questions of people offering dating advice about their qualifications, the methods they use, the science they cite. You can chase up the arguments they make through the literature (using www.scholar.google.com) and compare this with other research. You can critically appraise books or other products.

There are practitioners who are trying to carry out critical and evidence based dating and relationships advice programmes. For example Jean Smith is a cultural anthropologist who applies research on dating to her approach on encouraging communication and boosting confidence, while Dr Gary Wood combines Social Psychology and Coaching with evidence based self help. What’s interesting about these practitioners is they’re open to questioning, share the science behind their advice, and are critical thinkers around theories relating to relationships advice.

How you can use science methods to sort your own dating situation
Part of the problem with this area is the suggestion there are ‘dating experts’ or coaches who are the only ones with an answer to your relationship situation. This is disempowering and disingenuous. Learning about one person’s experience is not necessarily going to be useful to you – even if they promise you following their method is guaranteed. One great advantage of using research evidence is you hear from lots of people and can apply their experiences. So ask friends and family what their dating experiences have been. Experiment with dating websites, different methods of dating, your profile picture or how you consider presenting yourself. Get feedback from others about the impression you’d like to give.

Seek professional help if you feel you need it but remember there are many confidence courses run via health services and local community groups which are low cost or even free. Read up on body language, attraction, dating patterns, chat up lines or self help books but do so with a critical lens. Ask yourself do the ideas presented apply to everyone universally? Who might they exclude? Could there be other ways of looking at dating issues? What might happen if you did the opposite of the advice suggested? Is the advice presented dependent on you paying money or seeking additional products or services? If you were offering advice to a friend in your situation what might you counsel?

What has science left to learn about dating?
A whole lot really. There’s the minefield of dubious dating advice and coaching still requiring appraisal. While using social networks (particularly Facebook) to arrange hook ups is established research on this topic is still in its infancy. We lack longitudinal studies to track relationships over their particular lifespans and have very little information on dating for diverse communities (particularly for bi and trans people, those interested in polyamory or other alternative relationships and those seeking relationships who are neuro diverse or have other disabilities or learning difficulties). In particular we don’t have information on core dating issues like how to attract a partner, how to get from dating to a relationship, and what happens if you get stuck in the dreaded ‘friendship zone’ or keep ending up with fuck buddies when you want long term romance.

Why this area is under studied?
There’s no doubt people are interested in relationships and research on dating. My experience of running workshops, science events, dating classes or discussion groups for healthcare staff, educators or journalists indicates there’s no shortage of questions people want answering. Unfortunately we can tell them more about what we don’t know and the problems with dating than what is actually going on in relationships and how to enjoy positive dating experiences.

The reason for this is pretty simple. Sex research is traditionally the ‘Cinderella Subject’ of the social and health sciences. Sneered at by other scientists it’s often put down as not proper research or unworthy of further enquiry. Academics often dismiss it as ‘journalism’ (and they don’t mean that kindly). Unsurprisingly sex researchers have steered away from areas such as dating or attraction, fearful of rebuke from colleagues or often the media (for an example of this in practice witness the sneering response to the recent research on booty calls).

Given the problems we have with relationships – from violence, to STIs, to unplanned pregnancy and relationship breakdown there is understandable pressure to focus on the more worrying issues that need investigation. The influence of pharmaceutical funding towards psychosexual research has also influenced a shift towards more lucrative but largely sex negative approaches. Large scale surveys of human relationships have been carried out in different countries although most with a focus on sexual attitudes and behaviour and far less attention paid to getting a date and forming a relationship – or how to end relationships.

Independent funding for research on dating and relationships is more difficult to obtain, which explains why studies in this area tend to be commercially funded but largely restricted to dating organisations, or are based on small scale samples of unrepresentative college students.

While we remain in a position of academia, the media and to an extent the public seeing dating research as unscientific, unworthy or frivolous it is unlikely quality investigations will be funded to answer our questions about our dating habits. And unfortunately the space where evidence needs to be will continue to be filled by bad science and general bunkum. This in turn reinforces the idea this is not a reputable area to be associated with.

None of which is good news for science or the public generally. Indeed a focus on what works within dating and positive relationships advice could in turn reduce some of the problems we see in coercion, abuse, communication problems, relationship inequalities, STIs and unhappy relationships.

So where next?
Our Science of Pulling event was an experiment. We wanted to see if people would be interested in learning about the science of dating along with trying a speed dating event. It seemed both were popular although we will be following up the delegates of our activity to find out what they enjoyed, and where they felt we could have done better. We hope to expand on this event with more science, evaluations and tests in the future. I’ll keep you posted about what happens next and following requests from people at the Science of Pulling event I’ll be writing future posts on pick up artistry, debunking relationships advice for women, dating advice for mental health service users, and avoiding the friendship zone.

I’ll leave you with my summary of the event. Looking forward to the next one!

Tonight I’ll be hosting The Science of Pulling event, part of the British Science Festival a week long celebration of science, this year hosted in Birmingham.

Have you ever wondered…
- how much of your adult life are you likely to be single?
- can one night stands ever lead to love?
- do dating manuals ever work?
- what’s the best way to meet someone?
- can science really teach us how to pull?

I’ll be answering those questions and talking about what science can tell us about dating and relationships. We’ll find out how scientists study dating, how much we don’t know about this area of our intimate lives, and we’ll bust some of the truly bad science around dating advice.

The aim of the event is to introduce people to science in a fun way, but show how social science in particular can be usefully applied to our daily lives. I’m hoping people will leave feeling more confident and happy about their relationship status, and possibly even with a date or two lined up as after my talk there’s a chance to join in the science festival’s first speed dating event where you can put the science of pulling to the test.

It’s a real pleasure for me to return to the West Midlands for this event, having had my first lectureship post at Aston University (Birmingham) in the psychology department, and where I studied for my PhD in Applied Human Psychology. I also completed my postdoc research in the West Midlands on a community study of women involved in street prostitution an experience that changed my approach to understanding and doing research and shifted my practice into critical social psychology and healthcare.

The Science of Pulling event is open to anyone whether you’re in a relationship or single, have an interest in sex research or science more generally, and whether you’re straight, gay, lesbian, bi or trans. Please join us if you’re able, or check out the #britscifest hashtag where hopefully we’ll be able to share what we’re learning about pulling power.

I’ll leave you with a guide I wrote a while ago for anyone who’s single but considering dating – useful, even without the science bit!

In a recent piece in Scarleteen Heather Corinna picks up on approaches to advice giving that will be familiar to many of us. Things like adding negative qualifiers, talking down to young people, moralising, or being ambiguous. They are all key no-nos in sex education, yet as you read through Heather’s account it’s obvious how very often we inadvertantly (and perhaps sometimes quite deliberately) couch our sex education messages in such a way that we undermine our practice.

You can read the whole piece here – it’s great for anyone working in sex education or sexual health, or if you are a parent or carer. You may find sharing this piece and discussing with colleagues may help challenge some of the bad habits that may be sneaking into our sex education practice.

After reflecting on Heather’s piece, agreeing with it, and worrying how many of the problems she highlights I’ve been guilty of, I thought of some additional bugbears. These are issues I’ve most commonly seen in media advice giving, but also observed in school-based sex education and sexual health care.

In no particular order my bugbears of prescriptive sex advice giving are….

“You should abstain, and if you can’t abstain be faithful and if you can’t be faithful then use a condom”
The ‘ABC’ approach to sex is one that was very popular for a long while in sexual health campaigns, particularly in developing countries. Some charities, NGOs, teachers and healthcare professionals still view it as cutting edge advice and promote it actively. My problem with it is partly the order it goes in which puts not having sex as better than having sex, and grudgingly goes from a ‘well you shouldn’t be doing it’ through to a ‘if you must then I suppose you should use a condom’. A message you’d think is aimed at children but is often applied to adults as well. On a practical level this advice also only works if you’re with a partner who respects your decision to abstain or be faithful – who doesn’t coerce you into sex or has sex with other people. As with Heather’s piece (linked above) there’s the additional problem of how long you should abstain for. Use a condom is fine so long as you both agree to do this, can access free or low cost condoms and know how to use them. Bizarrely the ABC message requires high levels of communication, respect, equality and trust. And yet it’s often promoted to people who are relatively powerless – women in gender unequal societies or young people.

Here’s what to do, not how to do it
Commonly found in problem pages this often also underpins a lot of sex advice given to young people by adults. You’ll list what someone should do – ‘talk to your partner’, ‘share a fantasy’, ‘spice up your sex life’, ‘use condoms’ – but give no information about how to do this. The ‘what to do’ approach lists activities but doesn’t explain why they may be helpful/important and gives no life skills about how you might put them into action. Sometimes this is explained as a function of media advice giving where you may be limited by time or word count, but often it is bad practice linked to a lack of skills on the part of the advice giver, or the general discomfort of the advice giver to go into detail. After all anyone can say ‘use a condom’ but it’s much more complex to talk in depth about how to talk about condoms, putting one on, where you get them from, and how to use them to enhance sex.

Expecting teenagers to put into action things we know adults struggle to achieve
While I agree getting people to think about how ready they are for sex is important, as is developing confidence and a sense of empowerment in relation to sex, I do feel the advice we give – even in our discussions of ‘sex readiness’ – expects a lot. Knowing where to get contraception, feeling able to ask for condoms to be used, enjoying masturbation, being able to say yes to what you want and no to what you don’t – all of these are great ideas. We encourage young people to see these and other instructions as things they need to be able to do before embarking on sex. Yet we frequently forget many of these activities are things that we, as adults, find difficult or perhaps don’t view as particularly important. Encouraging young people to think of the things they need to do to help them enjoy sex now or in the future as a discussion is undoubtedly more effective than a list of ‘shoulds’, and rather than just getting young people to think about whether they’re ready we might also encourage adults to do the same. Particularly adults that teach sex education or deliver sexual health services to adults or young people.

Here’s what I like, you’ll like this too (Aka ‘our sexual experiences are all the same’)
How often have you picked up a magazine that’s got a sex tip in it by someone who tells you what sex position, sex toy or erotic dvd is ‘best’ for giving you ‘mindblowing orgasms’ or similar. Pretty often such advice, although well meaning, is from someone who is telling you what they like – although it’s reported as what’s right/normal for all of us. This is partly due to some sex advisors only having their own sexual experiences to draw upon, and partly due to journalists (and some ‘sexperts’) simply not being aware of the wider research on sex that tells us about the diverse experiences of thousands of people worldwide. The unfortunate result is a lot of samey, heteronormative and often completely inactionable advice that makes you feel bad if it doesn’t work for you.

One size fits all
The evil twin of ‘here’s what I like’, the ‘one size fits all’ approach to sex education takes no account of diversity. Messages are delivered to us as though we’re all white, straight, middle class, educated, able bodied, young, affluent, confident and motivated to enjoy safe and positive relationships. If you look at a lot of sex/health advice giving in media and education you’ll notice there is nowhere near enough information that truly addresses inequalities relating to gender, health, education, income, sexuality or culture. Often such topics are interpreted by sex educators as ‘difficult’ or ‘radical’ so are avoided. If such topics are touched upon they’ll be either a small addition to an otherwise mainstream approach, or be constructed as problematic and depressing.

Evidence is boring
As mentioned, some sex educators work from a perspective of what works for them. That might be in terms of what gives them pleasure, or what messages they feel are appropriate to share based on their religious or political views. While there’s no problem in knowing what you like and embedding pleasure in your educational messages, nor basing your research/teaching around your own experiences or beliefs, there is a problem is this is all you do. If you’re not aware or not able to look at the evidence behind what you’re teaching you may well miss what’s new in the area, ideas that reflect difference and diversity (see above), or a wider world view than your current focus. Consulting evidence not only broadens what we teach, it helps us reflect on what we talk about and ensure we’re not just speaking from the ‘university of life’.

Learn to like it/make yourself do it
Recently I read a well known sexpert telling a female reader that they needed to make themselves have sex with a partner because, having entered into a marriage with them, the deal was to provide sex. Even if you didn’t feel like doing it. That’s a fairly extreme example but there’s still often a trend in self help sex books and sex features in the media that implies if you’re not keen on something you must make yourself learn to like it. Whether it’s swallowing semen, deep throating a partner, have a threesome, or have sex when you just don’t feel like it the overall theme is that you should at least try. The underlying message is ‘if you don’t do this your partner may leave you’. Alternatively the advice implies that if you’re not trying something then you’re a prude or obstructive or that if you don’t ‘use it you’ll lose it’. Of course it’s difficult to know whether someone isn’t keen for good reason and might actually like something if they gave it a go with a partner they trusted, or whether it’s someone who’s already feeling coerced that you as an educator continue to pressure. Before we tell people they should make themselves do something it may be better to focus on what it is they’re contemplating, why they object to it (or feel compelled to do it), and what is the most comfortable decision for them to make.

Sex = health and health = sex
If you listen to many sexperts and some sex educators you’d think that we can only talk about sex in medical terms. Instead of frank talks about desire and sexual activity we hide our coyness in the language of hormones, biology and blood flow. And in the case of hormones in particular often overplay their importance without truly understanding how they work. Anything too difficult for us to explain within the media or our sex ed classes we refer on to family medicine/general practice (even though we know such services are not best placed to deal with general sex issues), or we pass on to counselling (which might be good but may often not be appropriate). We don’t focus nearly enough on finding ways people can empower themselves or find answers to their questions or solutions to their problems. We spread all sorts of misinformation about how particular foods like pumpkin seeds or goji berries can transform our sex lifes, or suggest sex is a way to reduce wrinkles or burn calories. Undoubtedly your diet can impact on your health (as can many other factors like poverty, education and genetics) and health can impact on your sex life. But making sex into purely a health related topic often means we focus on it in limited and negative ways/ Perhaps unsurprisingly many sex educators (particularly teachers in schools) opt to frame sex in the language of health and biology as a means of avoiding topics they find difficult like desire, sexual activity, confidence and negotiation.

Boundaries, what boundaries?
Talking about sex is undoubtedly important, and clearly something people want to know about. But it worries me that some sex educators (in the media and particularly in school based settings) take little or no account of boundaries. This can be related to the ‘one size fits all’ approach mentioned above, or could be as simple as not changing lesson plans to different age groups, or realising that one person’s desires, values and experiences will be very different to another person – regardless of age or experience. The key here is to identify what people want to know, not assume what they should know, and be respectful of their boundaries. Something that offers a challenge to those of us who want to promote pleasure yet requires reflection to ensure we don’t give advice that offends or excludes.

Sex is something you achieve, not experience
You’ve seen the headlines on the glossy magazines about ‘best ever orgasms’ or ‘ultimate orgasms’ or ‘great sex tonight’ or ‘blow his/her mind’. Much of our current media sex coverage presents sex as something you achieve, practice and perform. And there’s a whole industry of sex products (toys, lingerie, erotica and ‘sexpertise’) to accompany this. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to experience pleasure, the aspirational approach to sex doesn’t advocate adventure, exploration or experimentation. Instead it makes sex into something that must be worked upon in a set format with ‘proper’ sex involving intercourse and only finishing with the guy’s orgasm (in the case of heterosexual sex – presented as the norm in most media/self help guides). Perhaps unsurprisingly this approach filters into wider sex education with teachers anxious to know how to address it, panicked over what they see as our ‘sexualised’ culture, and often presenting sex as intercourse ending in orgasm. Our challenge is to check how often we present sex in such a formulaic manner and find other ways to talk about it.

Back to Heather Corinna who concludes in her piece
“Of course, my favorite approach is avoiding generalized statements like this at all and instead having conversations where I can simply first ASK (or be told) if someone does or does not want to have sex right now, then give more information, and ask more questions, then tailoring what I am saying to what they state their needs and wants to be: if we start there, and work from their answer, it’s pretty easy to sidestep all of the problems with these kinds of phrasings. I think it also makes it easier for us to focus as much on what we should be doing as we’re focusing on what teens should.”

I agree and add to this the same applies when working with adults.

For all of us who work in sexual health and education it is often easy to slip into bad habits, particularly when people are asking you to tell them what to do about sex/relationships. Although reflecting on the messages we share is time consuming and can often feel threatening and annoying, such activities are essential to making the advice we share useful, applicable and accessible to all.

What’s the difference between sexual, reproductive, psychosexual and relationship health?

Sexual health refers to dealing with either sexually transmitted infections, or physical or psychological sexual problems (also called sexual dysfunctions).

Reproductive health refers to your fertility – either advice on getting pregnant, information on contraception, supplying contraception (to prevent pregnancy), or helping you deal with an unplanned pregnancy.

Some clinics specialise in sexual health, sexual problems or reproductive health, other services will offer treatment or advice for any of these issues.

Psychosexual health services tackle deep-seated sexual problems that could be caused by psychological and/or physical factors.

Relationship counselling services help with problems ranging from sexual communication difficulties, to jealousy and coping with arguments or life after infidelity or divorce.

These services are dependent on your location – there may be more services available in certain countries/states. The politics or religion of different countries/states may affect service delivery or approach. Many clinics offer free support and advice, some private clinics do charge a fee, as do some doctors in certain countries – if you live outside the UK check your health care policies for more information.

Many sexual health services particularly those for sexually transmitted infections are often overwhelmed by patient demand. Part of the reason for this is that people pick the wrong service for their needs – so consult the list below to ensure you get the right help at the right time. And tell your friends so they get it right too!

Your Doctor (GP/Family Practitioner)
What can they offer?
• Advice about contraception and prescribe (and sometimes provide) contraceptives for you
• Advice on sexual problems (dysfunctions)
• Health checks relating to sexual problems (e.g. pain during/after sex, loss of erections)
• Information about menstruation, menopause, fertility (getting pregnant), pregnancy and abortion (termination), pregnancy testing
• Physical examinations of your genitals (including smear tests for women or testicular exams for men)
• Referrals to counsellors or other specialists in the case of sexually transmitted infections, sexual dysfunctions, previous or current sexual abuse, genital cancers
• Assessment and testing/treatment for STIs
• Advice about pregnancy/fertility, antenatal and postnatal support
• Advice and referrals for termination of pregnancy (in countries where abortion is legal)

Your doctor or practice nurse can perform external and internal genital checks, swabs and blood tests. They can test and treat you for STIs, or related infections. Depending on your location they may be able to provide you with condoms or refer you to a condom clinic. In many countries, GPs are the main providers of contraceptive services, so they’re not shy about talking about sex. Some people do feel embarrassed discussing sexual health with their doctor, particularly if they’ve known their doctor for a long while – or in cases where they may have an STI through an extra-marital affair or unprotected sex. If you would prefer to see someone you don’t know as well, you can either speak to a different doctor at the practice or go to a Genito Urinary Clinic for STIs or Family Planning/Reproductive Health Clinic for contraception/fertility advice (see below).

Useful links
NHS Choices has a dedicated section on sexual health
Patient.co.uk (links, resources and helpsheets on a variety of health issues)

Genito Urinary Clinic/Sexually Transmitted Infections Clinic
What can they offer?
• Tests and treatment for sexually transmitted infections.
• Advice about contraception (some clinics also prescribe contraceptives and provide condoms – at some clinics these are free).
• Information about safer sex.
• Advice on how to tell a partner you have an STI – some clinics will notify your partner(s) for you.

These clinics (also sometimes known as ‘sexual health clinics or centres’) will test and treat you for STIs, and provide safer sex advice and information. Some clinics work on an appointment basis, others on a ‘drop-in’ system, or a ‘first come, first served’ basis. Some have set times for teenagers, women or men to attend. You may want to telephone first to check appointment times and whether there’s a waiting list for treatment. You shouldn’t have to wait long to get an appointment, but in many countries where there is high demand for services the wait could be longer. You can get condoms from Genito Urinary Clinics.

Useful links
NHS Choices: Sex, worth talking about includes guides to sexually transmitted infections, including locate your nearest clinic and symptoms and signs of STIs
Planned parenthood’s guide to STIs (also available in Spanish)
Go ask alice! (your sexual health questions answered)
STIQ answers common questions about STIs, testing and treatment

Family Planning/Reproductive Health Clinic
What can they offer?
• They can advise you about contraception and give you contraceptives
• Information about how to get pregnant, or options if you have an unplanned pregnancy
• Pregnancy testing and referrals for termination of pregnancy (abortion) if you require it
• Smear tests for women

These clinics can perform smear tests (internal exams for women), and offer contraception and pregnancy advice. They can provide contraception such as birth control pills or injections, or condoms. If you want contraception only, then make an appointment at one of these clinics. If you think you have an STI, it’s better to see your GP or Genito Urinary Clinic.

Useful links
Family Planning Association guide to contraception, pregnancy and STIs
Brook sex advice for under 25s
Planned Parenthood advice on contraception, STIs and sexual and reproductive health – in English and Spanish
Marie Stopes global reproductive health advice source

Your Pharmacist
What can they offer?
• Home pregnancy testing kits (some pharmacies will do the tests for you)
• Over the counter treatments for cystitis, thrush, period pains (menstrual pains), folic acid (for those planning to get pregnant or during pregnancy and breastfeeding)
• Condoms and lubricant
• Give you contraceptives as prescribed by your doctor

In some countries, community pharmacists are taking a more active role in health care. For problems such as thrush or cystitis you can get confidential advice from your pharmacist. You can also get condoms, the morning after pill (emergency oral contraception), and lubricant from many pharmacies. In parts of the UK, US and Europe, you may also be able to be tested and treated for certain STIs by your pharmacist. If you think you have Chlamydia or Gonorrhoea, the pharmacist can provide you with a urine kit, which you return to them or post to a local laboratory. Results are returned in a few days and you’ll be given the all clear, provided with antibiotics by the pharmacist, or referred on to a Genito Urinary Clinic or your doctor if further tests or treatment are required. Not every pharmacy can offer this service, those that do will usually advertise testing with posters or leaflets. All pharmacies should be able to signpost you to your local Genito Urinary Clinic who will be able to help.

Psychosexual Therapy (Also known as sex therapy)
What can they offer?
• Identification and treatment of psychosexual problems (e.g. erectile dysfunction, loss of desire)
• Overcoming sexual problems due to past or present sexual abuse
• Dealing with sexual problems due to worries about sexuality
• Sexually compulsive behaviour
• Referrals to other healthcare services (e.g. urology, gyneacology) if needed

Many countries offer psychosexual advice and services. In some cases, they are free to patients with severe sexual problems, although have to be referred through a medical doctor, and can have a long waiting list. In countries where psychosexual services are free, patients can also book to see therapists privately. This cuts down the waiting time, and will cost money, but allows the client choices who they get therapy from (e.g. a religious person may prefer to have sex therapy from someone who understand and respects their religion; a lesbian or gay client may prefer a ‘pink shrink’). In other countries, psychosexual services are entirely private, and have to be paid for. These services may not be covered by medical insurance, check your policy. Some countries do not offer any services, or a limited number of therapists.

Useful resources
Overcoming sexual problems by Vicki Ford (Constable and Robinson)
Women who love sex: an inquiry into the expanding spirit of women’s erotic experiences by Gina Ogden (Womanspirit Press)
Our bodies ourselves: a new edition for a new era by Boston Women’s Health Book Collective (Touchstone Books)
Sexual health for men by Phillip Kell and Vanessa Griffiths (Class Publishing)
The new male sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld (Bantam Doubleday)

Basrt (British Association for Sex and Relationship Therapy)
Sexual Dysfunction Association includes advice and support on male and female sexual problems
Women’s Health gynaecological and other women’s health advice
Male health information from the men’s health forum

The above organisations cater to gay or straight couples – however if you’d prefer to see a gay or lesbian-friendly counsellor you can contact:
Pink Therapy
Pace

Relationship Therapy/Counselling (also known as couples counselling)
What can they offer?
Counselling for individuals and couples for issues like…
• Communication skills
• Increasing sexual confidence
• Overcoming common sexual problems
• Dealing with jealousy
• Coping with infidelity
• Reducing arguments
• Planning for parenthood

Relationship therapy is offered in different forms in different countries. In most cases the service is paid for by the client – but is often means-tested, meaning those on a low income may pay less. Medical and psychosexual services can refer clients to relationship therapists, and clients can refer themselves. Many religious groups or other support networks offer relationship therapy – again this may be free or paid for and evidence underpinning advice may be patchy. Medical insurance may not cover costs for relationship therapy – check your policy. Some therapists will tackle domestic violence and reputable therapists will not see a couple together while one party is being violent. If domestic violence is a problem within your relationship you need to alert your therapist to this as soon as you can.

Useful resources
Overcoming relationship problems: a self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques by Michael Crowe (Constable and Robinson)
Loving yourself, loving another: the importance of self esteem for successful relationships by Julia Cole (Relate Guides)
Gay relationships: how to find them, how to improve them, how to make them last by Tina Tessina (Jeremy P Tarcher)
Relate
British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy
Couple counselling Scotland
Relationships Australia
American association of sexuality educators, counsellors and therapists (AASECT)
BBC Relationships has a collection of resources and referrals addressing domestic violence

The above organisations cater to gay or straight couples – however if you’d prefer to see a gay or lesbian-friendly counsellor you can contact:
Pink Therapy
Pace

Hopefully you can work out from the list above what service suits your needs best. If in doubt call the service/clinic and ask if they can help you. If they can’t they should be able to explain a source of support.

Where to get advice about your sexual, reproductive or relationship health by Dr Petra Boynton is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 Unported License

Over the years I’ve run countless training and educational sessions for members of the public, therapists, teachers, parents, healthcare professionals and teens. And from those sessions I’ve managed to compile a list of the many, many ways people find to ensure they have really bad sex.

Here’s a selection of the best of the worst. Some are sad, some are funny, all happen a lot more often than you’d expect.

So, here’s how to stuff your sex life

Don’t bother finding out how your body works

Believe the sex life you have at the start of a new relationship should be the blueprint for the rest of your sex life

And I’m still adding to the bad sex list. If you’ve any more suggestions to add, let me know and I’ll update this list.

The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education has produced a fantastic new resource all about the hymen, which calls for the hymen to be renamed as the ‘vaginal corona’. This is in response to a fair amount of ignorance about the hymen and virginity – which has caused problems for women and intimate relationships (particularly in countries where virginity is put at a premium).

The booklet is available in several languages including English, Arabic, and Sorani. The guides are designed to describe what female genitals look like, what the vaginal corona (hymen) is, and to challenge myths around virginity and female sexuality.

Best of all, they’re sex positive, clear, and free. So if you’re working in sex education, activism or outreach then you’ll definitely want to use these resources in your work. I’d recommend them to you even if you think you know a lot about female sexuality, virginity and female anatomy. Many of my colleagues who’ve been researching and educating on sex and relationships have been amazed how much they’ve learned from this booklet.

While you’re enjoying the resource linked above you might want to also check out other parts of the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education’s website which is a treasure trove of sex positive (and free) resources. My favourites include Dicktionary (about the male body and desire) and Pussypedia (about the female genitals and pleasure) and a guide to clitoral sex. There’s also a whole slew of resources, teaching guides and articles, an amazing sex FAQ section. And this wonderful film ‘Talking about sex’ which describes how sex education programmes can help change boys and men’s inaccurate views about sex, improve relationships, and tackle gender inequalities.

Feel free to share this information and support the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education – showing the rest of the world sex positive education at its best.

What made me start blogging?
Five years ago I sat down on a dark November evening and wrote my very first blog entry. It was a bit ranty. I’d been misquoted by a journalist and was anxious it would get me into hot water (again).

I didn’t have a game plan when I started blogging. My partner (who’s way more tech savvy than I am) thought it might be a good way of sharing ideas I was struggling to convey via the mainstream media (I was writing several advice columns in magazines at the time, as well as hosting a regular radio phone in for BBC Five Live).

I approached the blog as a form of therapy. I wanted to work with the media but was getting a lot of stick for it professionally (I’m an academic as well as a sex educator). Having a place to blog would allow me to correct any errors in reporting and disclose bad journalism. I even hoped it it might even let me bring evidence into sex/relationships reporting – and show it was possible to do so without things becoming worthy or dull.

One thing I felt sure of early on was this blog was something I enjoyed writing, but I wanted to be useful, and most importantly to deliver things about sex, relationships, science and journalism that readers wanted to know about. Which is why the blog has always been shaped by things you’ve asked for.

Readers make this blog (or “why don’t you have comments?”)
Last summer I asked regular readers to give me feedback on this blog and got some very helpful responses. It’s taken me a while to implement some of these, but I have now upgraded the blog to include the things you asked for – photos and images to liven things up, a better blogroll, summaries at the start of most entries so you can decide if you wish to read on. And categories. Something I didn’ think about five years ago and really wish I had. I’m now in the process of going back through all the 800+ posts and adding categories to them, which I hope will make this blog a lot more useful to you.

The one thing this blog doesn’t have is comments. I did start off having them, but encountered several problems. As I was offering advice within columns and websites elsewhere I hadn’t planned to also answer problems on this blog. However, not all readers understood this so I frequently found requests for advice on anything from infidelity to penis size included in discussions about blogs relating to research design or journalism ethics. This sometimes led to some readers mocking those asking for advice, which of course is completely unacceptable for me as an educator.

Moreover, I’ve always blogged openly – never behind a pseudonym. I work within the community on sex/relationships projects and educational activities (in the UK and internationally). This meant I was very accessible, and felt vulnerable when those whose comments were deleted or not posted, made very personal threats.

I found moderating the comments was time consuming and took me away from other educational activities which I felt were more worthwhile. So I decided to remove the comments option. When I’ve asked readers if they want them back the general response is ‘no’. That’s mostly from people who feel the blog’s a safe space to get information which they can use as they wish elsewhere.

Of course I strongly welcome respectful email feedback and am always happy to add information or correct errors within the blog. You’re always welcome to start discussions on other forums or your own blog about issues raised here. For now I’ve no plans to reinstate comments, but since I’m occasionally asked why I don’t have them I thought this was a good a time as any to clarify the issue.

Achievements so far
Having read back to 2004 I’m pretty pleased with this little blog. It’s nice to see it’s grown into a resource that people trust and enjoy reading.

The things I’m most proud to have written are activist blogs that highlight medicalisation, exploitation and abuse. These include the debates around female sexual dysfunction, questioning high street stores stocking ‘herbal’ erectile dysfunction drugs (not approved by the FDA), exposing the Advanced Medical Institute’s aggressive sales technique for men affected by premature ejaculation, or highlighting misleading media coverage of the availability of Viagra on the high street.

I initially planned to use the blog to set right bad sex coverage in the media (or occasions where I’d been misquoted). This has been a theme within the blog although I think it’s become more focused over time (although not necessarily less ranty than my very first post). I can’t say whether it’s made much difference to journalists, and I hope it’s not put people off working with the media. I’ve found it helpful to describe poor practice – not least because the general trend for ‘experts’ working with the media is to act grateful for any exposure, not publicly discuss poor experiences or document bad practice. Gems for me include an expose of GMTV sending a cab to my home at 6am on the off chance I might wake up and come to their studio. Or how a TV show wanted to discuss female sexual confidence without mentioning genitals or masturbation. Or some rather nasty experiences with snotty TV producers just after I’d had a baby. Not to mention the hilarious case of the science journalist who really took a dislike to me (and colleagues). Oh, and let’s not forget the journalist who wanted me to recommend them an ‘unethical psychologist’ .

Of course, the past five years have not been spent simply slagging off journalists. No. Sometimes I’ve also turned my gaze to bad science too. Where it’s been depressing to report on a carnival of studies which seem to set us back sexually. Studies complaining women orgasm too easily, or there’s a ‘clitorocentric conspiracy’ against the vagina, how sex with a partner is 400% better than any other kind of sex you might have, and you can tell whether a woman has vaginal orgasms by her walk.

Let’s not forget my other bugbears. The fake formula and shonky surveys and my goodness this blog’s a treasure chest for those. And if I’m not being irritated by that, then there’s always the problem of psychologists talking about celebrities, or the general ethical issues raised by Big Brother for me to moan about.

Of course, it’s not all been bad news. Anyone would think this blog is only about gripes and grumbles. I’ve always wanted to showcase a variety of sexual experiences within this blog and not just think about sex just for a Western audience. I’ll continue to discuss issues relating to sex and seniors; teenagers; disability; transsexuality; lesbian, gay and bi issues; open relationships; BDSM; sexual health; contraception; prostitution; pornography; reproductive health; pleasure; desire; asexuality; dating; psychosexual problems; showcasing great sex pioneers; talking about safer sex; and as many other topics as I can find for you to read about.

Where to next?
Unlike five years ago, I’m now thinking strategically about this blog – who it’s for, what it does, and seeking to find ways to assess any impact it may have. I’ve noticed over the years it sometimes deviates into areas that interest me, but may not appeal to all readers. So my aim is to ensure the focus of the blog remains around the core things you’re most interested in when you visit – sex, science, and media.

I’m currently involved in overhauling the site so in the new year I hope to have far more open access materials available for you – relationships and sex guides, information about sexual and reproductive health, more advice and links to sources of help, along with practical information for journalists, healthcare professionals, parents, teens and teachers.

I’ve been asked by many readers for more information about how to become an agony aunt/media sex educator, so I’ll be blogging about this – as well as how to write a sex blog – in the not too distant future.

I’ll also be making use of twitter soon, as sometimes I blog about issues people need to hear about fast (particularly developments in science/health), so hopefully that will make messages more accessible. I’ll let you know once I’ve sorted it.

Obviously I’d like to hear what you’d like to see. How would you like this blog to develop over the next year (or five!). Are there any particular things you’d like to see more/less of? Topics you want covered? People you’d like me to interview for the ‘quickies’ section of the blog? Campaigns you want covered? Let me know what your vision is for this blog.

So, happy fifth birthday blog. Big birthday kisses to those of you who’ve been with me from the beginning. For those of you who’ve only recently found this blog I hope you like it enough to stick around for the next half decade. I notice one of my favourite other blogs Mind Hacks has also celebrated it’s fifth birthday too, so congratulations to them.

Time to blow out the candles and make a wish. Of course, I can’t tell you what it is. You’ll have to come back in five years to find out if it’s come true.

We’re all familiar with the term ‘designer vagina’, but did you know there’s actually no clinical evidence to suggest non-essential female genital surgery is effective or safe? A systematic review of the literature on labial surgery for women (just out in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology) has found “medically nonessential surgery to the labia minora is being promoted as an effective treatment for women’s complaints, but no data on clinical effectiveness exist”. The paper isn’t open access but is well worth a read if you can find it. It outlines the issues around genital surgery including why this trend is increasingly popular. Sadly women’s media is not massively critical on this topic, so here’s hoping this research might encourage a bit more critical reflection among editors (although I’m not holding my breath).

Predictably plastic surgeons haven’t responded massively well to this review – I wonder why? You might be shocked or amused to see one practitioner’s reaction courtesy of the BBC:
“Essentially this is just about removing a bit of loose flesh, leaving behind an elegant-looking labia with minimum scarring”.
As ever, The Daily Mash wade in with their satirical take on what makes a whole ‘perfect vagina’.

Are orgasms bad for your health? Well, yes, according to Marnia Robinson (lawyer turned sex expert) who suggests that orgasms ‘play havoc with your neurochemistry’ and recommends people should practice sexual intimacy without orgasm. This is an interesting theory, but it’s only a theory, and the data included in Robinson’s thesis seems to be selective rather than systematic. While Robinson rightly does talk about conventional messages about sex being around achievement and unrealistic goal setting, her message ultimately becomes less about personal choice and slips into the familiar rhetoric of their being a ‘right’ way to have sex. This story’s picked up on here.

Movie star Jane Fonda’s got the media in a fluster by announcing sex is still great aged 71. It’s led to the predictable discussions about whether it’s okay or not for seniors to be sexy – and a whole flurry of spin off features and radio programmes all arguing that older people ought to be getting it on, and are sexier than ever before. Which doesn’t quite fit the evidence. Some older people do report positive relationships and enjoying intimacy – although that may not necessarily involve lots of intercourse (or even any intercourse at all). Caution is required so we don’t reinforce the stereotype that anyone over 60 should be sexless, or pressurise older people to think sex is a mandatory activity and there’s something medically wrong if they’re not still doing it. [You might be interested in some blogs about senior sex I've written previously - all linked within this blog].

In anticipation of tomorrow’s Disability: sex, relationships and pleasure conference at the Royal Society of Medicine, The Times asks ‘Is sex for the disabled the last taboo?’. The piece covers some of the issues facing disabled people about relationships (it’s a bit limited by some inaccurate reporting in places – the comments after the piece I think are more interesting). I’ll be blogging a report on the conference early next week where I’ll be particularly focusing on some of the key questions of evidence based policy and practice relating to sex positive support for disabled people.

Want to know how to talk dirty? Here’s a quick guide I contributed to for Playboy about some common errors people make around naughty chat (over 18s only). [I was glad to see this feature didn't go down the usual uncritical approach to spicing up your sex life and encourages readers to reflect on why they want to talk dirty and ensure it's something their partner is equally interested in].

There are two key errors people make with sexy talk:
- The first is to assume their partner is fine with talking dirty without checking, and launching into some rude chat that embarrasses, upsets or unnerves them.
- The second is thinking talking dirty is something they ought to be doing, but not feeling sure what to say – or when to say it.

Talking dirty can be a real turn on, but isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Saying something unexpectedly could really spice things up, but it also could be a disaster if you offend, upset or just make your partner fall about laughing. If you want to get better at communicating your desires I’d recommend Carol Queen’s Exhibitionism for the Shy.

Sex writer Brian Alexander contacted me recently with a problem he was answering from a reader of his Sexploration column. The woman in question had a partner who was getting off on her being sexually provocative with other men. It was hard to tell if this was a case of a couple with communication problems, or a guy being controlling and forgetting the key rules of acting out sexual fantasies – that it must always be safe, sane and consensual. You can read the problem and answer here.

Finally, the fantastic international sex education campaign 15 and counting have launched a competition where rappers, singers and musicians have been composing songs relating to the campaign. All the entries can be found here. With some of the most popular here. My favourite is Hemanifezt – Be a Protector for Yourself.

So if you’re a musician, song writer or performer why not contribute your song to the competition? Educators working within schools or healthcare may want to encourage young people to get involved in the competition. And feel free to share this information – both about 15 and counting and this music comp.

And if you want a bit of inspiration, let’s go back to the 90s with a groundbreaking safer sex song that still sounds great today.

Let’s talk about sex!

A couple of weekends ago the New View Campaign (who work to challenge the medicalisation of sex) hosted an event called Vulvagraphics.

The aim of the event was to celebrate genital diversity. The site above contains links to the various exhibitions that featured in the event. All of which represent a diversity of vulvas depicted in art, film, drama, literature and craft.

In an era where we’re used to seeing surgically enhanced or airbrushed images of vulvas, and at a time when we tend to focus on vulvas in negative ways (as dirty, hairy or smelly), Vulvagraphics invited women and men to rethink how they view the vulva.

Photos of the event (including a variety of vulvas) can be seen here. Viva la Vulva posters and ‘love your vulva’ badges are available here.

This might be an event you respond to by wondering what those kooky feminists are up to now? However, it does have an important message about body awareness and confidence. It is worth reading about the event and seeing how you might apply the messages from it. That might be individually in terms of your own body confidence, or as a means of celebrating your vulva with a partner. Or if you’re a parent it might enable you to think how you can encourage your children to feel proud and positive about their genitals. Teachers, sex educators and healthcare staff could also reflect on how they currently deliver messages about genitals – and whether those could be improved and made sex positive.

So go ahead. Love your vulva. Or if you don’t happen to have one, love someone else’s

Without further ado, let’s find out the answers to the questions I posed as part of the Science Late evening of sex event on Wednesday. How did you score?

1. What are the most common methods sex researchers use to study sex?
a. By looking – watching people have sex in a laboratory or on film
b. By measuring – assessing sexual behaviour via brain scanning, blood tests or heat sensors
c. By listening – recording answers from surveys or interviews
d. By participating – having sex with the people they are studying
e. Not sure

Correct answer = C

The most commonly used methods in contemporary sex research globally are surveys or interviews/focus groups. Brain scans, heat sensors or blood tests can be used, as can observational studies (where people have sex within laboratory settings). However, these latter two methods are used less as they’re often more difficult to recruit representative participants for studies. With the internet the opportunity for people to film their sexual activities and share those with researchers, and methods where participants film or document their own lives may become increasingly popular in the future. One thing we don’t do, but which people often assume happens, is have sex with the people we’re studying and then write about it. This would be considered unprofessional and unethical in research nowadays, and would focus the study on the researcher rather than a wide range of participants.

Want to find out more?
Check out the Kinsey Institute and the Magnus Hirschfeld Archive for Sexology who provide information about sex research being undertaken and provide answers to your frequently asked questions about sexual behaviour.

You might also find these guides helpful too:
Want to be in a sex study? Tells you about how sex research is conducted and how you can get involved

Sex research since Kinsey’s day – explains the different methodological approaches that can be used to study human sexual behaviour.

What’s it like to be a sex researcher? answers the frequently asked questions I’ve received about studying sex.

How to run a sex study outlines the steps you’d undertake to carry out a scientific study.

2. How often does the average UK couple have sex per week?
a. 7-10 times
b. 4-7 times
c. Once a week or less
d. Not sure

Correct answer = C

Robust and reliable research indicates that younger people do have more sexual encounters annually than older people. You can see links to research where frequency has been addressed here. The UK Natsal study found the average for heterosexual sexual activity per month was around 6 times. If you account for sexual behaviour over a wide range of ages the average is once a week or less. However, reputable sex research focuses more on quality rather than quantity. We would usually ask people for a range of sexual behaviours they engage in (masturbation, oral sex, intercourse) and whether they enjoyed them. That way you might find someone doesn’t report much ‘sex’ (as in intercourse) but they enjoy masturbation on a regular basis and are happy with this.

This contrasts with the media’s description of sex where ‘sex’ is usually only considered in terms of intercourse and quantity is taken as a measure of ‘great sex’.

Want to find out more?
Set yourself an experiment. Look at magazine or newspaper coverage of sex/relationships over the next month and see how ‘great sex’ is described. Is it written about in terms of exploration, variety and pleasure, or described in terms of quantity and penetration.

3. The average penis size is 5 inches long
a. True
b. False
c. Not sure

Correct answer = B

Many studies do give the average erect penis length as 5 inches. However, there are numerous problems with studies on penis size as they vary in the methods used to collect data. Some studies relied on self report, others on a researcher either measuring an erect or flaccid penis. Critical reflection on penis size studies suggest there are problems with the inconsistency of measuring penis size (summarized here). Interestingly research in this area suggests men (gay and straight) are more worried about length than girth, although women seem to be more interested in girth. And partners of men (male or female) are usually most bothered about their partner’s technique and the way they treat them. With anecdotal evidence suggesting men with larger penises don’t try so hard to please their lovers.

4. Women and men are equally stimulated by visual images of sex
a. True
b. False
c. Not sure

Correct answer = A

Women and men are just as likely to be turned on by visual images of sex. This may run counter to common knowledge of this issue, particularly since the media often repeats the idea that men are visual creatures and provide various evolutionary and biological explanations for this. What science is now discovering is that women, like men, do get aroused by sexual imagery. There is a diverse range of what turns women on – as with men. There is often the myth that women prefer erotica and men like porn, or women need their sexual imagery served up with a warm slice of romance. Yet studies where women have been asked about or shown sexual imagery suggest they do respond to a variety of arousing stimuli.

Interestingly many of the studies assessing response to visual images of sex (usually done through showing a series of images or sexual film clips and measuring genital response) did not include women. These were conducted on male participants (often undergraduate students) who were tested in response to viewing sexual images to see if exposure to said imagery had led to them feeling more hostile towards women.

More recent studies of women show they report enjoying a range of sexual imagery but do often worry more than men about the content of materials and how they’re made. Debates around the impact of porn, and whether the content is sexist, can often make women feel guilty for looking at/enjoying sexual imagery. Interestingly we’ve focused more on asking women critical questions about how they respond to porn than we have inviting men to reflect on their porn use.

Want to learn more?
Violet Blue’s written a fascinating book called The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos which discusses how to pick porn to view, and answers some of the common concerns people have about content.

Alternatively there is a vigorous debate about porn/sexual imagery that’s ongoing. Some view porn as innately sexist and degrading to women, others feel it’s a symptom of a sexist culture but not a direct contributor to sexism/abuse. While some believe porn could help improve relationships, or at least has no harmful effects. You can find debates ongoing across different websites (particularly those with a feminist/political focus). Read up on the issues and see where you fit in.

5. Men can fake orgasm
a. True
b. False
c. Not sure

Correct answer = A

Men can, and do, fake orgasm. We don’t know exactly how many do this, but therapists and educators are increasingly hearing from men who are worried about faking orgasm. Reasons for doing so include being tired, sore, wanting to bring sex to an end, and not wanting to let a partner down. Men report feeling the need to fake because of pressure to perform sexually. It is unclear whether this pressure is experienced more or less acutely by straight or gay men. Interestingly, we tend to respond to women faking orgasm as being an inevitable (partly linked to the stereotype of women being less sexual). We tend to respond to the idea of men faking with disbelief or humour. This does little to help either gender if they feel the need to fake.

Want to find out more?
Comedian Richard Herring has written a great book called Talking Cock which although based on humour is a useful survey on male sexual behaviour and includes some discussion about faking orgasm.

If you’re a man and find it consistently difficult to orgasm it might be you have delayed (or retarded) ejaculation. More information about this condition and treatment options available here.

6. Men reach their sexual peak at 17 years old, women at around 40 years old
a. True
b. False
c. Not sure

Correct answer = B

Although this is often quoted in the media it doesn’t make sense in social research terms. The data seems to have come from surveys in the first half of the 20th century on sex where young men could record an interest in sex, but young women couldn’t. Culturally young women weren’t supposed to be sexual (particularly before marriage) and so either were unable to report on sexual behaviour, or were too afraid to disclose what they may have done. Older women who were married and had experienced sex were in a stronger position to report on their experiences. So early surveys measured behaviour and found younger men were able to report sex positively, as were older women. This is not the same as hitting a sexual peak during lifespan.

Although studies do still about that reinforce this myth or suggest particular ‘peak’ times for sex, reliable research suggests that rather than their being specific peak times for sex, there will be times when people enjoy, desire, and have sex more or less. This will be influenced by many factors including health, parenthood, financial security, relationship quality, and lifestyle factors (such as work stress).

Sexual activity may reduce as people age, and certainly we do see young people reporting having more sexual encounters. However, this does not mean the same thing as pleasure or desire or exploration. Older people do also report they may not have as much sex as in their youth, but the sex they have remains important and pleasurable.

Part of the misrepresentation of sexual behaviour across lifespan as having one off peaks is linked to the quantity over quality. A more accurate way of looking at this issue would be to see sex intertwined with other factors (listed above) and to expect points in your life when you’ll have no sex (with a partner), lots of sex, and occasional sex – with quality differing also.

Want to find out more?
Keep a diary for the next year and record when you had sex. Note periods when you enjoyed different sexual activities (masturbation alone, oral sex, intercourse), who you were intimate with, and when you were or were not enjoying sex to identify what else was happening. It might be something negative like being made redundant, or something positive like starting a new job where you put your energy into that activity.

7. Animals (other than humans) can be gay
a. True
b. False
c. Not sure

Correct answer = A

Homosexuality has been observed in numerous species from dolphins to monkeys, dogs to sheep. We have only recently begun to learn more about this topic as science has in the past often misrepresented homosexuality in animals, describing it as ‘immature sexual behaviour’ or reporting it as something that only happens because no other sexual partners are available. Or simply not discussing it at all.

Want to find out more?
The question of sexuality is one that fascinates people – and can be a reason for concern or celebration. If you want to find out more about your own sexuality why not try the Kinsey scale which gives you a score from heterosexual through to entirely homosexual. You can even get a t-shirt to proudly display your rating.

Within the scientific community we’re still debating homosexuality and for two differing takes on this issue you might consider Queer Theory which sees sexuality largely as a social construct or contrast this with Qazi Rahman and Glenn Wilson’s excellent book Born Gay.

There’s also widespread discussion about whether homosexuality can be ‘cured’. Evidence shows it cannot (because it’s not a disease or dysfunction). You might find these papers interesting – they feature interviews with psychiatrists and patients who were part of treatment programmes to ‘cure’ them of homosexuality.

8. Where do most people get their sex information from?
a. Friends and family
b. School/college sex education
c. Self help/sex experts
d. The media (magazines, films, television, internet)
f. Pornography

Correct answer = D

Most people do use the media, and particularly the internet (where available to learn more about sex). Friends can be highly influential, although more for young people than older adults. The self help/sexpert market (which often influences media content) is worrying given that many sex experts are not adequately qualified to discuss sex and relationships issues. Porn is not the first place people look for information, however evidence suggests it is somewhere people will turn to if they can’t find answers elsewhere.

Want to learn more?
If you want to find useful places to get quality sex information (aside from the links above), I’d recommend:
Paul Joannides – author of Guide to Getting it On
Cory Silverberg – who writes Sexuality About
Good Vibrations magazine
Dodson and Ross – sex tips, advice and information
DIY sex education from All About My Vagina
Susie Bright gives great sex advice over at Jezebel

9. What’s the most popular area in sex research currently?
a. Desire and pleasure
b. Sexual problems
c. Sexuality
d. Sex addiction
e. Love, romance and courtship

Correct answer = B

The most funded and most prolific research globally focuses currently on sexual problems. That’s things like sexual dysfunctions and sexually transmitted infections (particularly HIV). While these are issues requiring investigation, there are problems about other issues such as love and romance, desire and pleasure receiving far less attention. In particular concerns have been expressed about the ‘medicalisation of sex’ (for women and men) and the way sex research has been influenced by pharmaceutical funding.

Campaigners working within sex research are working to try and broaden the range of topics studied in this area, but limitations around funding and academic priorities do still influence what gets studied. This is a problem since many members of the public have many unanswered questions about sex which are currently not being addressed.

Interestingly, the area of sex addiction is hyped up a lot in the press but is not being researched to the same degree within academia/therapy. That’s because the concept is not agreed upon by practitioners. You can find out more in this great discussion between Susie Bright and Leonore Tiefer on the topic, or see just how problematic the diagnosis of sex addiction is in my blog ‘Help! I’m a sex addict and I didn’t even know it’.

10. Why do sex researchers study sex?
There are numerous reasons why we study sex. To find out more about human sexual behaviour, to get people answers to questions they have. To reduce problems – STIs, anxieties, fears. To promote sexual pleasure. Or to encourage abstinence (not all sex researchers are sex positive). Some sex researchers are motivated to research sex because they want to offer help, to share pleasure, or to learn more about themselves. Some may have had a personal experience (positive or negative) that’s motivated them to study a particular area of sex.

As part of the Science Museum event I asked guests to share why they thought we studied sex and I’ll blog all their ideas next week – along with some updates from real life sex researchers about their motivations.

So, are you a sexpert? You may have scored well or badly on this test. It doesn’t really matter. Many of the questions were deliberately tricky. Hopefully what the test has revealed to you is that there’s a lot more to sex research than you may have imagined, it’s an area that spans many academic areas (science, medicine, history, anthropology and zoology to name a few). It’s a growing subject area and one with a real application to human life. By continuing to read up on sex (using some of the links above) and ask questions about all the sex stories you read in the press (and anyone who calls themselves a ‘sexpert’) you’ll be well on the way to sexpertise.

If you work in science communication, sex research or sexual health you are welcome to use this quiz (and answers) in your own activities (with acknolwedgement). Please do research all answers before presenting to ensure you fully understand topics, and perhaps you can bring in questions and resources of your own to add to the quiz.